The Beauty of Simplicity

`` my daily journey. [#] `-

Saturday, 29 November 2008

I once was lost, but now am found.

Doesn't that line from Amazing Grace sounds beautiful?

I lost some thing of no monetary value, but is of relative importance to me. But, thank God that I fot it back. Thank God that I remembered that I had left it behind, before the sports hall closed for the night. Thank God for the friend who drove me back to search for it. Thank God that the sports hall wasn't closed. Thank God that my necklace was still lying where I left it.

Looking back, I am wondering; here I am, getting all antsy about it, while the person who gave itto me had most probably forgotten about it.

Am I stupid?

Perhaps, I am overly sensitive, but, it kind of hurts that it mattered not to him, when it matters much to me. Well, what I've learnt throughout these years, is that feelings are almost never the same. If you take a weighing machine and measure the weight of the feelings two people have for each other, it is most definite that they will not weigh the same. For some, the difference is minimal, but for others, the difference is as vast as an entire universe.

Yes, I know it. I know it in my head.

But, still, it kind of stings. Because, though I managed to get back my necklace; I will never be able to find the heart of the person who gave the necklace to me. For his heart has never been mine.

I have always been looking at his back.

Light my path
8:56:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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Sunday, 23 November 2008

I was with a friend last Wednesday (21st Nov) and we got around to talking about her relationship with her ex boyfriend. She had broken it off with him due to some reason. She had told me, since the break is unavoidable, she'd rather she be the one to initiate it rather than the other party. It is a form of self-protection, to cut down the pain to the minimum.

At that time, I was rather incredulous. I mean, why break it off when both parties like each other? Sure, it is tiring and draining to compromise and lots of hard work are needed to make it work. But, why? Why did she choose to break it off? Why not try and try and try?

But now, I sort of see her reasoning. Both of you can try, try and try your damn best to make things work. If it works, then all's great. But what if either of the part calls it quits? What if either one of them is just plain tired of always having to try so hard to make things work and just gives up? That pain, will be so much more than just breaking it off right from the start.

So my friend did the best thing for herself and for her boyfriend.

I was reminded of my own situation as I thought back to what she said. Last Wednesday, I was thinking it was a pity for her to give it up like that; but now, I am actually agreeing with her. It may be kind of cruel and kind of selfish, but, it is the only way to protect oneself and to minimize the pain. I'd rather it be me who does the leaving, who chooses to walk away first; than to have others tell me that they want out. I'd rather throw it away first, than to be thrown away.

Since there's no one to be strong enough to lean on, I must be strong for myself. Since there's no one to protect me, I will protect myself with all that I have. I will not allow myself to be hurt. I will not set myself up to be hurt.

Light my path
12:49:00 pm

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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Really don't feel like going on.
Having no idea what's the next step.

So lost, so scared, so helpless
And petrified.

But still having to maintain this facade of normalcy.
With nothing to keep me going,
Except the fact that I am still alive.

Tired, tired, tired.

Been wanting to say, been wanting to shout aloud,
That I am terrified! That I need your strength!
I am not strong, I am not independent!
I don't want to be the one making all those life decisions.
I don't want to need to be strong, so that everyone
Will think that I am no pushover,
So that they will not see an easy prey,
Smell my fear and tear me to shreds!

Light my path
12:29:00 pm

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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I guess I must be a failure. In life, in family, at work and in relationships. I did so much over the years, I won't say what I did were wonderful and life-saving things. But I had once, done so many things just for you. But all I got in return is this distance. The distance that cannot be measured, even in light years.

Where are you when I needed a shoulder to cry on? Why are you always late?

Why are you always here when it is TOO LATE?

When there is no more turning back.

Light my path
12:15:00 pm

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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In the beginning, there was only me.
Then people started trickling in...
Some bound by blood ties,
Others bound by common interests.
Or attracted by the vast differences.

Over the years,
With salt and sugar,
Vinegar and chilli
Tinged with touches of bitterness.

Every year there's new closings
And gaping holes.

Submerged in the largest crowd,
Captured in the noisiest party.
You can be the loneliest,
In the midst of those familiar strangers.

In the end, there is only me.

Light my path
11:58:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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我是不会为了任何人而改变原有的自己，
但为了达到你的标准，为了成为你所希望的
我已不是从前的我。

Light my path
11:52:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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This is my 1000th post on this blog.

Wow.

Amazing huh?

What does one does when she has no more to say?

Go and feel it. And you will come back with more.

Light my path
11:47:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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Mind's in a rush. I am sitting here, on my bed, leaning against the cool wall and thinking of what to type. I am tired, physically and emotionally.

Perhaps, Rachel's right. Things are happening too fast, that's why I am feeling the impact & strain.

I really do not know what to say.

What lies ahead?

As I was on the bus just now, I was thinking, my life's not that bad. It is downright rosy and glowing, compared to some many others. But I can't help but ask God why are these happening? Why is this my life?

I told myself, some years back, when I first tasted the strongest betrayal that I will be strong; that I will not be weak. I will prove my detractors false. I will have the last laugh. I will be the last one standing. I will not turn back, even if the route I had chosen was wrong. I will not crawl back even if I am down to the last of my dying straws.

So, why am I feeling so weak now? Why is this hated fear rising up in me? Why am I so weak and fearful and lost, at the time when I must be strong? Why do I yearn and look for strength, support and help in others when I must be strong, when I must depend on myself, when there's no one around to give me what I need?

Why am I crying when things are alright and I am not helpless and hungry? Why am i unable to sleep? Why am I so afraid and lost?

Things are fine!

I don't need anyone by my side. I don't. I can survive on my own. I don't need to have this weak dependency or attachment to any one. If there's 1 lesson I had learnt since I was young and constantly being reminded of, is that: there is no one whom will not betray you.

Although I yearn to have all those good things, friendships and love; but I never asked to have them. Or rather, I stopped asking for such things, I stopped wanting to reach for such things. Though the distance kind of hurts and is sort of a wall, a gapping hole and kind of lonely being on the other side; but it is safe. They are not in deep. The hurt caused, though remembered for life, will come a day when it fades.

It is kind of cruel and kind of cutting, but from some time back, I've stopped approaching others. I've stopped having friends who are close enough to cause damage.

I never asked for anyone's friendship anymore. I never asked for you to be my friend, I never asked for you to be in my life. So, please do not blame me if you are in my life and you find out just how messed up I am. This is me, alright? If you cannot accept that, then please get out. I am sorry, but I never asked for you to be my friend, if you find me offending, it is perfectly alright for you to walk out.

Even if in the end, I am all alone; sure the feeling is sucky and damn lonely but it is alright. It is ok and it is fine.

After all, everyday, every one goes about his or her business regardless of who is in or out of whose life.

And that is the cold, hard fact.

Light my path
12:50:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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Saturday, 22 November 2008

平日的开朗与坚强是一道防卫墙，
一个面具。
让朋友不必担心，让敌人不知情。

但其实内心是极度的彷徨，不安和不知所措！
微笑与无所谓的表现，背后隐藏着一个微微颤抖的声音，
欲言又止把心里的一且往深处藏。

其实好想大声地嘶嚎，大声地哭泣。
好想说，“我好怕！”
好想说， “我一点都不坚强！我很需要你的温柔与依靠。”

好想对你说的真心话，却始终没说出口，
因为我必须坚强，必须勇敢。

因为不想让你以为只要是任何人的肩膀，
只要是一个可以依赖的人，是谁我都无所谓。

并不是那样的。

从始至终，我想依赖的，
只有你一个。

Light my path
11:47:00 pm

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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Hear the past,
See the present
And touch the future.

Light my path
8:19:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Things have been changing. Be it slowly or quickly, but surely.

I was talking with Yan Ping about her new house and all that. Last Tuesday had been a pretty lousy day for me (not that recent months or in fact, this year, had not been crappy). Some how she ended up telling me some things which she had observed about me.

She's finding me rather dispassionate and aloof with regards to the discussion we had been having about the house we will be moving into. She'd said that she regards the house as ours, not just hers. But I was saying to her, "Your house, your home..etc." This pretty much cooled her enthusiasm and excitement, she said.

I don't know about how others think, but that is the only way I think of things. Not that I am trying to draw a line between us, making things so clear and defined; but, that is the way it is, isn't it? I am renting a room with her, thus that makes me her housemate. We are friends, but our relationship in that house is that of a owner and a paying housemate, isn't that right? I see nothing wrong with the way I see it, but then, I am thinking for myself and seeing from my point of view. But the way Yan Ping saw it was that I am drawing a too fine line between us.

But pretty much of everything else she said about me, were spot on.

I was afraid to get too involved in people's lives and their affairs. I am afraid of being rejected, of being told that I have no business being in their lives, that such things are only reserved for close friends and family to know, to be involved in. I think that way about all my friends, even friends of many years. Even towards Shuhui - a friend of 11 years, there is a slight percentage of that way of thinking too. Till the moment Yan Ping pointed that behaviour of mine, I absolutely had no idea that I had been doing such things. Not at all.

It was an unconscious gesture and way of thinking. I was rather stunned and dimly, I wondered how long have I been building a barrier between my friends and I.

She went on to say that I have friends, but no true close friends. That even if one day, my friends and I fight and the relationship is broken beyond repair, I wouldn't be very sad. Ha, to tell the truth, I was a bit needled that she'd say that I wouldnt be very sad, for to me, friends have always been very important to me; so I'd like to think that I will be very upset. But, true to what she said, I will get over that matter. I mean, though I will remember it for as long as I live, but it won't hurt me for the rest of my life, as much as that moment (when the friendship is gone). The pain will lessen. For I truly believe that in this world, no one cannot do without the other person. Everyday, there are people dropping off the face of the earth, leaving loved ones to grieve; but you don't see the world in a standstill or the earth stop spinning, correct? The world still goes on, regardless of who died, regardless of who had their hearts broken and regardless of who left and who stayed. So such things, though hurting, but it will not kill you. That is the way I think.

In addition, Yan Ping had mentioned that I am rather dispassionate about life in general. I wake up and bathe and go to work and eat and laugh and cry, because I am still living. I go through the motions of every day life because I am still breathing and not because I am looking forward to anything. She'd agreed that life is sucky some times, but she is still passionate and excited about things in her life, but apparently that is not the case for me.

I had always thought that I shared almost everything with some of my close friends, but upon reflecting, I realized that she is right. Deep down, I am a distant person. I can be pretty loud and loose with close friends but I wasn't truly open with them either. I allow people to get close to me, only to stop them when they come into a certain distance of me. The same goes for the way I am involved in people's lives. I get involved, but not too deeply, stopping after going through the first few layers. So that, perhaps, it wouldn't hurt too much when I am told to get out of their lives or that there comes a day when I had to leave.

I had never realized how scary I am. It was sobering to hear all that and realize that it were all true.

Then, I wondered, should I change? Because I had no idea that I am thinking and acting like that all along, I had no idea how to change. And why should I change? Not to be callous of anything, but I am pretty comfortable with where I am now. Sure, it is lonely at times, when I realize that I am alone; but, at least it is my own space. I can be myelf, truely myself and do whatever I please. I am myself, in my own bubble, without needing to have any fear of others judging me on my lifestyle and habits.

Light my path
10:01:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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Sunday, 2 November 2008

xxx

I woke up today
To find myself in the other place
With a trail of footprints
From where I ran away
It seems everything I've heard
Just might be true
And you know me
(Well you think you do)
Sometimes, I have everything - yet I wish I felt something

Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome
It runs even deeper

And in a dream I'm a different me
With a perfect you
We fit perfectly
And for once in my life I feel complete
And I still want to ruin it
Afraid to look
As clear as day
This plan has long been underway

I hear them call
I cannot stay
The voice inviting me away

Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome
It runs even deeper
Everything that matters is gone
All the hands of hope have withdrawn
Could you try to help me hang on?
It runs...

I straight
I won't crack
On my way
And I can't turn back
I'm okay
I'm on track
On my way
And I can't turn back
I stayed
On this track
Gone too far
And I can't come back
I stayed
On this track
Lost my way
Can't come back

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1550865/pendulous_threads

Light my path
11:22:00 am

youdrovemydarknessaway`-//*

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